The View From Down Here

Have you ever stood in the return line at Wal-Mart around Christmas time?

I’m sorry.

You know, I’ve never had to return that much stuff, but whenever I do, I always see something off the wall. Based on my limited sample data, I conclude that people return stuff for very strange reasons.

Here are the stories of some of the things I’ve seen returned:

Scenario Number One: Sam’s Club
Return Desk Clerk: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I need to return this video.”
RDC: “OK. Is there something wrong with it?”
Cust: “No.”
RDC: “Does it play? It’s not, like, messed up or anything?”
Cust: “No, I just don’t want my kids watching it.”
RDC: “What do you mean?”
Cust: “Well, it’s loaded with references to magic, demons, and the occult. I don’t want my kids to see that.”
RDC: “Uh… OK… the name of the video is ‘Aladdin and The Magic Lamp’. Did you just buy the wrong one accidentally? Would like a different video instead?”
Cust: “No, I didn’t buy the wrong one. I preview all the movies before I let my kids watch them and this one is about magic. I don’t think kids should watch that.”
RDC: “It says ‘Magic Lamp’ right here on the cover! You just missed those when you bought it, huh?”


Scenario Number Two: Target
RDC: “Hi. Do you have a return?”
Cust: “Yes. I need to get another bicycle, this one is defective.”
RDC: “What’s wrong with… Oh my!”
Cust: “Yeah, my daughter was riding it…
RDC: “It looks like it was run over by a truck!
Cust: “…and it just collapsed under her.”
RDC: “A big truck!”
Little Girl: “My daddy’s got a Bronco.”
Cust: “Shhhh! Daddy’s talking to the nice man.”
RDC: “It’s been crushed flat!”
Little Girl: “Daddy did it. It was loud.”
Cust: “I told you to be quiet!”
RDC: “[to Little Girl] You left it in the driveway, didn’t you?”
Little Girl: “Yep!”

Scenario Number Three: Burger King
Burger Dude (BD): “Yes, sir?”
Customer: “Yeah, Can I get some more of these – these taste terrible.”
BD: “Terrible? Like how?’
Cust: “Well, they taste like onions.”
BD: “[Incredulous] Uh… sir… they’re… onion rings.”
Cust: “Yeah, I know, but I eat here a lot and they never tasted like onions before – just like fried batter.”
BD: “But…”
Cust: “Did you change the recipe or something? These are nasty.”
BD: “Because they taste like onions?”
Cust: “Yeah.”
BD: [Silence, but I bet he was thinking, “My God! And people think I’m stupid!”]
Cust: “Can I get some new ones or not?”
BD: “Yeah, you can, but they’re going to taste the same…”
Cust: “Like onions?”
BD: “Yeah, they’re onion rings.”
Cust: “Well, can I get some that don’t taste like onions?”
BD: “No, not really sir… No.”
Cust: “But these are nasty!”
BD: “Well… I can give you some fries, but they’re going to taste like potatoes.”


Life is pretty funny, I you just look around...

Now that the boot routine (no sleep, lots of yellin’) has been established, Sarge has moved us into more advanced training: Weapons. Mostly, our training revolves around Sarge throwin’ something new at us, and then we have to figure a good attack and defense plan.

Here’s some recommends and comments to any new boots who might be reading this:

T01 Hospital Issue Towel – Ah, the good ol’ T01. This is a true multi-tasker here at BBC. Good for spills, messes, coverin’ anything you don’t want messy, and general wippin’ up. Make sure you get a bunch of these from the hospital before you leave for boot.

CS11 Mini Co-sleeper – Apparently the salesman oversold this tool to QM’s office. Not an effective weapon against restless sleep and Sarge just doesn’t like it. Seriously lacking in padding. Too low to the ground to even be an effective changing platform. In my opinion (not that a recruit’s opinion means much in this man’s army) it needs to go back to the drawin board. Spend your pay on something else at the PX.

BP01 Butt Paste, Boudreaux’s Brand – Sarge gave us a prize when we figured this one out. Don’t waste your pizza money on anything else – buy Boudreaux’s. Note to Boudreaux: Buddy, I owe you one, when I get out of boot, I’ll gas up the boat and take you, Theriot, Broussard, AND Thibodeaux out rabbit huntin’. Now that’s class.

Well, that’s all for now. I gotta hit the sack for a few.

Well, I’ve been here at Baby Boot Camp (or the BBC, as all the old recruits like to call it) for about a week now. Started out like a walk in the park, but then the real trouble began on about day three.

The Drill Sergeant here is a real hard case. Man, can he scream. You gotta jump when he says, or he’ll turn bright red and start yellin’ his head off. Some of the other guys started callin’ him the Angry Strawberry – not to his face, of course! – and that description is dead-on. He screws his face up in a hard core grimace, turns bright red, and starts screamin’ right in your face. Nothin’ you do will shut him up ‘till he’s said his piece.

Lack of sleep is really gettin’ to me now. The Sergeant is not a compassionate guy where my sleep cycles are concerned. Any time he wants, he busts us out of bed to run drills and do patrols. For a while there, I lost track of time, but I think I’m getting used to it now…

So far, I’ve only been assigned to Diaper Duty and Bubble Patrol. Diaper Duty wasn’t so bad at first, you just had to get in quick, get the job done, and get out. Now, though, its gotten harder – and smellier. I think they might be testing some new sort of stink gas or chemical warfare concoction on us poor recruits. I’ve requested a hazmat suit, but the QM says it won’t arrive for quite a while.

Bubble Patrol isn’t too bad either. We march around lookin’ for little pockets of hazardous gas that has to be eliminated. Only trick is, sometimes that gas has too much fluid around it and, well… let’s just say you’ve gotta change your uniform.

I put my name is the hat for Breast Pump Command. Looked like a cush job and I figured that was for me. I didn’t get picked though… the Drill Sergeant told me I didn’t have what it takes to do the job. Whatever.

Well, so far, that’s all for this man’s army.