The View From Down Here

Have you ever stood in the return line at Wal-Mart around Christmas time?

I’m sorry.

You know, I’ve never had to return that much stuff, but whenever I do, I always see something off the wall. Based on my limited sample data, I conclude that people return stuff for very strange reasons.

Here are the stories of some of the things I’ve seen returned:

Scenario Number One: Sam’s Club
Return Desk Clerk: “How may I help you?”
Customer: “I need to return this video.”
RDC: “OK. Is there something wrong with it?”
Cust: “No.”
RDC: “Does it play? It’s not, like, messed up or anything?”
Cust: “No, I just don’t want my kids watching it.”
RDC: “What do you mean?”
Cust: “Well, it’s loaded with references to magic, demons, and the occult. I don’t want my kids to see that.”
RDC: “Uh… OK… the name of the video is ‘Aladdin and The Magic Lamp’. Did you just buy the wrong one accidentally? Would like a different video instead?”
Cust: “No, I didn’t buy the wrong one. I preview all the movies before I let my kids watch them and this one is about magic. I don’t think kids should watch that.”
RDC: “It says ‘Magic Lamp’ right here on the cover! You just missed those when you bought it, huh?”


Scenario Number Two: Target
RDC: “Hi. Do you have a return?”
Cust: “Yes. I need to get another bicycle, this one is defective.”
RDC: “What’s wrong with… Oh my!”
Cust: “Yeah, my daughter was riding it…
RDC: “It looks like it was run over by a truck!
Cust: “…and it just collapsed under her.”
RDC: “A big truck!”
Little Girl: “My daddy’s got a Bronco.”
Cust: “Shhhh! Daddy’s talking to the nice man.”
RDC: “It’s been crushed flat!”
Little Girl: “Daddy did it. It was loud.”
Cust: “I told you to be quiet!”
RDC: “[to Little Girl] You left it in the driveway, didn’t you?”
Little Girl: “Yep!”

Scenario Number Three: Burger King
Burger Dude (BD): “Yes, sir?”
Customer: “Yeah, Can I get some more of these – these taste terrible.”
BD: “Terrible? Like how?’
Cust: “Well, they taste like onions.”
BD: “[Incredulous] Uh… sir… they’re… onion rings.”
Cust: “Yeah, I know, but I eat here a lot and they never tasted like onions before – just like fried batter.”
BD: “But…”
Cust: “Did you change the recipe or something? These are nasty.”
BD: “Because they taste like onions?”
Cust: “Yeah.”
BD: [Silence, but I bet he was thinking, “My God! And people think I’m stupid!”]
Cust: “Can I get some new ones or not?”
BD: “Yeah, you can, but they’re going to taste the same…”
Cust: “Like onions?”
BD: “Yeah, they’re onion rings.”
Cust: “Well, can I get some that don’t taste like onions?”
BD: “No, not really sir… No.”
Cust: “But these are nasty!”
BD: “Well… I can give you some fries, but they’re going to taste like potatoes.”


Life is pretty funny, I you just look around...

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