Sunday, October 10, 2004
Do you swear to tell the truth, so help you You?
Have you ever been cut-off by a car bearing a little icthus symbol?
Yeah, speaks well for the rest of us, doesn’t it?
Recently, while driving through traffic, I was nearly run off the road by a beat-up jalopy bearing the bumper sticker "God is my co-pilot". Too bad, I thought to myself, I guess God can't drive, either.
Of course, this was while I was on my way to class (why else would I drive through rush-hour?), so I decided to amuse myself with a little exercise: how to sue God. Mind you, this is only an exercise.
Suppose this guy had hit me, driving me off the road, causing injury to me, and damage to my car. That's a tort if I ever saw one, but the guy was driving a jalopy, so he probably doesn't have any money. He probably doesn’t have any insurance, either. As I have learned in school, the first rule of torts is always run an asset check on your defendant before filing a claim.
So, this guy probably doesn't have any assets and there is no point in suing him to get what he doesn't have. However, there's that bumper sticker, and the co-pilot, God. As a co-pilot, one could argue that God was responsible for ensuring the proper operation of the vehicle by the driver. Hmm, so, if the driver were negligent, the co-pilot would also be negligent. Therefore, one would have a valid theory to sue God.
Well, all that's well and good, but exactly how does one sue God? Do our courts have jurisdiction over Heaven? Probably not, since it is not inside the physical borders of the USA (just look around). How could God be served with a summons? I don't think very many state troopers would be willing go to meet God just to deliver a summons - it's rather a one-way trip. Furthermore, devising a written summons they could take with them into the beyond would be – quite – hard.
These are two very big problems, but we can get around them with a little theory. First, we'll have to claim jurisdiction over Heaven by beginning a proceeding in rem against God's property here on Earth (for the uninitiated, in rem is a nice little legal fiction that allows you to take jurisdiction over an absent party by claiming jurisdiction over their property). The church down the road will do nicely. Of course, the congregation will protest and say that the church belongs to their non-profit organization, but one could defeat this by presenting the court recordings of sermons from their church referring to the building being "God's House." This phrase is in common usage, and it would be easy to scout the local churches nearby to find a preacher who uses this phrase a lot.
OK, so the jurisdiction issues are taken care of, but God must still be served with the summons (assuming he didn't notice the courts attaching his house, a.k.a. church, down the road). The best bet is probably to serve summons to all the major religious leaders as his legal representatives on Earth. Combined with a radio, newspaper, magazine, and TV public announcement campaign (i.e. "Are you God? If so, you've just been served!"), this should cover all the bases.
Most likely, God will be too busy to form an avatar and come defend himself. Besides, his two usual methods of coming to earth are very problematic. The first involves a virgin birth. This is very time consuming, and could not be accomplished in the court's reasonable time frame. His second method of coming to earth involves burning shrubbery, and wouldn’t be allowed in the courthouse since it would be against the fire code. He might send an angelic representative, but I am often told there are no lawyers in heaven, so this wouldn't happen either. Most likely, God would "call" a prophet-lawyer to represent him in the case. Of course, God might choose to not show up/send a representative at all, in which case a default judgment results.
So, you’ve hauled God into court (or his prophet-lawyer), you’ve fought out all the procedural issues above, and now the tort case must be won… Yeah, I’m still working on that part… All this takes time, you know, and I’m no miracle worker. Besides, I got you this far didn’t I?
Yeah, speaks well for the rest of us, doesn’t it?
Recently, while driving through traffic, I was nearly run off the road by a beat-up jalopy bearing the bumper sticker "God is my co-pilot". Too bad, I thought to myself, I guess God can't drive, either.
Of course, this was while I was on my way to class (why else would I drive through rush-hour?), so I decided to amuse myself with a little exercise: how to sue God. Mind you, this is only an exercise.
Suppose this guy had hit me, driving me off the road, causing injury to me, and damage to my car. That's a tort if I ever saw one, but the guy was driving a jalopy, so he probably doesn't have any money. He probably doesn’t have any insurance, either. As I have learned in school, the first rule of torts is always run an asset check on your defendant before filing a claim.
So, this guy probably doesn't have any assets and there is no point in suing him to get what he doesn't have. However, there's that bumper sticker, and the co-pilot, God. As a co-pilot, one could argue that God was responsible for ensuring the proper operation of the vehicle by the driver. Hmm, so, if the driver were negligent, the co-pilot would also be negligent. Therefore, one would have a valid theory to sue God.
Well, all that's well and good, but exactly how does one sue God? Do our courts have jurisdiction over Heaven? Probably not, since it is not inside the physical borders of the USA (just look around). How could God be served with a summons? I don't think very many state troopers would be willing go to meet God just to deliver a summons - it's rather a one-way trip. Furthermore, devising a written summons they could take with them into the beyond would be – quite – hard.
These are two very big problems, but we can get around them with a little theory. First, we'll have to claim jurisdiction over Heaven by beginning a proceeding in rem against God's property here on Earth (for the uninitiated, in rem is a nice little legal fiction that allows you to take jurisdiction over an absent party by claiming jurisdiction over their property). The church down the road will do nicely. Of course, the congregation will protest and say that the church belongs to their non-profit organization, but one could defeat this by presenting the court recordings of sermons from their church referring to the building being "God's House." This phrase is in common usage, and it would be easy to scout the local churches nearby to find a preacher who uses this phrase a lot.
OK, so the jurisdiction issues are taken care of, but God must still be served with the summons (assuming he didn't notice the courts attaching his house, a.k.a. church, down the road). The best bet is probably to serve summons to all the major religious leaders as his legal representatives on Earth. Combined with a radio, newspaper, magazine, and TV public announcement campaign (i.e. "Are you God? If so, you've just been served!"), this should cover all the bases.
Most likely, God will be too busy to form an avatar and come defend himself. Besides, his two usual methods of coming to earth are very problematic. The first involves a virgin birth. This is very time consuming, and could not be accomplished in the court's reasonable time frame. His second method of coming to earth involves burning shrubbery, and wouldn’t be allowed in the courthouse since it would be against the fire code. He might send an angelic representative, but I am often told there are no lawyers in heaven, so this wouldn't happen either. Most likely, God would "call" a prophet-lawyer to represent him in the case. Of course, God might choose to not show up/send a representative at all, in which case a default judgment results.
So, you’ve hauled God into court (or his prophet-lawyer), you’ve fought out all the procedural issues above, and now the tort case must be won… Yeah, I’m still working on that part… All this takes time, you know, and I’m no miracle worker. Besides, I got you this far didn’t I?
R.T. Lemur 9:03 PM
6 Comments:
You are a very funny Lemur. It was nice having a good laugh.
Please tell me this will be a paper towards your law degree.
God drives a jalopy?
, at 1:28 PM
Hey, He can drive whatever he wants. He's God.
Hey, I don't drive a "jalopy"! I bet this was about me! Religous persicution because of my bumper sticker! You were that guy in that big tan SUV! You practacly ran me down! I was just on my way back from a long night down at Surfside beach with my friends. I you want to sue someone you can sue me! Tony Falco! Give me a call, you know the number I'll wager.
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